And I find myself retreating.
Apologies, but this will be a slightly rambling post. It's my mood. It's the season. It's been sparked by a book.
It's also cyclical. I take after my mother in this way. I need the end of year to myself. I'm mostly an extrovert but only because I allow myself the time to be introverted.
It's not that I want to stay inside all day. I need to be outside. I'll find any excuse to get out of the apartment. But I won't want to be with people, well, many people. One or two is fine. My brain can't cope with too much company, the noise of conversation jumbles up in my head and I can't hear words properly.
I've just finished reading Planetfall by Emma Newman (note: I know Emma and she is delightful). It's a wonderful book. It's sci-fi, both intimate and epic. And I'm glad I read this week. The themes of the book resonated with me in a way I don't think they would have in May or June, when my brain is full of leafy green and sky blue. It's strange the way books sometimes match your moods.. an odd kind of pathetic fallacy (one of my favourite phrases from junior cert english). There are books I read when I am in need of a feeling. Guy Gavrial Kay is my go-to for when my heart needs to break. I think Planetfall will be my intro to winter book, my book to remind me things will be ok. Even if it's not the ok I originally thought I needed.
At the same time as I find myself pulling back from people, I am excited about christmas. I love it. I always have. Last year I was in a completely different country, where the season was celebrated in a weird way because it isn't a native tradition, but more of a recent import. The trappings were there, but the heart was somewhere else, waiting for the following week, for their own season.
I am missing that country too. Particularly it's wide open skies that seemed to go on forever. I need a sky that stretches up and out and does not weigh heavily on me. Dublin sometimes has those soaring skies, but more often it's cloudy and low.
Anyway. It's winter now. The season is no longer coming, it's finally arrived. And it'll be ok. Even if it's not the okay I think I need.